I don't understand myself sometimes ;( I develop the most unhealthy crushes. Lol.
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No, I haven't cheated yet nor do I plan on, but damnit! Why am I so attracted to the dorkiest guys? Tell me how I went on this deployment surrounded by a bunch of in shape PJs and they are all CUTE!! AUGH! WhAT are you doing, testing me like this. And of course I have to develop a crush on the only single one :| merh! It'd have been better if I liked someone who was married or had a girlfriend so at least I know that anything besides a crush was out of the question but damnit WHY ARE YOU SINGLE!?!?!
I have to gush here because I have no one to gush to. Damnit. Why do you have to be so cute? Why do you have to be awkward? Why do I have to like awkward guys so much? WHY DO YOU HAVE SUCH A DAMN FINE ASS BODY ?!?!? WHAt IS THIS SORCERY! You have the nicest looking V i've seen in a while and your butt is super cute... but what makes you super attractive to me is your damn personality!! AUGHHHhhhhhh.. WHY ARE YOU SO STINKIN CUTE?!!?! I can't say I've ever had a crush on a man as old as you before but there is a first time for everything... damnit damnit damnit, and you always have to walk around without a freaking shirt on, because.... because you're YOU. lol. Well... at least I know you're PCSing, so I know for sure that it's not meant to be.. plus I don't even think you look at me anyways haha! Crushes are so much more convenient when it's one sided.... :P
I never thought that I would have fallen for you the way I did. I admit that when I met you that you were nothing more than to fill the void that was in my heart left from the others that came before you. From Brad, from Dusty, even from Roy (even though I purposely distanced myself from the latter). I guess I was just the type that couldn't help snowballing emotions after she slept with somebody. I used to be the girl that would find validation from having sex with a guy because it showed that he wanted me. I ignored that the logical part of me, the girl I am when I'm not mentally clouded by emotion-- I ignored her, and all she was trying to do was tell me that sex didn't make a man want you. It made him want your body. Sometimes, just for the night. Sometimes, just for an hour, or half, or 5 minutes- just until the sex was over. No, just until he was done.
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I hate to say that you changed a lot about me, Craig. I am ashamed that a man was able to penetrate my heart to the point where he actually caused me to doubt myself. And it wasn't just sometimes, it was every single day, Craig. Every day I constantly questioned my worth to you. Why was I never good enough to even warrant a public relationship when you had married somebody you barely knew? What made her so much better than me that you jumped to commit to her and you couldn't even spare me the smallest public act of love?
You couldn't even keep me in photos. Your parents cropped me out of photos like I was some random person who unexpectedly photobombed the family's vacation pictures. Acknowledged, but unwanted.
You couldn't even tell Amanda that you loved somebody else. Meanwhile, I was constantly mocked by this piece of trash woman, and I couldn't even defend myself against it. The only reason why I kept my mouth shut to her (because you know more than anyone that I would love to rip her world apart) was to protect you. And even now, despite all the lies and bullshit you've put me through because of her, I still maintain my silence in order to protect you, because guess what? Unlike her Craig, I am not spiteful. I do not wish the worst for you. I simply wish you get what you deserve. Karma is just.
After you came along, the issue of marriage remain unchanged. If anything, you re-enforced my morals regarding marriage, because now, more than ever- I believe you should never commit your life to someone else for the wrong reasons.
However, you did change the way I saw relationships, the way I saw sex, and the way I saw cheating. With you, even though you gave me permission to sleep around with other men because you liked seeing it, I still felt like I was cheating on you. But you constantly said, "It's just sex"... you know what? After I finally succumbed to the requests (because I wanted you to want me and be happy with me) it DID become just sex. I felt nothing after it. Not joy, pleasure, shame- I was void of emotion.
I met someone else Craig. Funnily enough, I'm still reeling over your betrayal, and I still had enough estrogen in me to find attraction in someone else. It wasn't Corey, either. It was a Navy guy I met at the Paris hotel on the strip. We clicked and the chemistry was so intense naturally, it blossomed into something that night (not sex but damn close). We both knew we were never going to see each other again but it still happened.
And you know what I realized the morning afterwards Craig? I felt no remorse in being with him for the night. Before you came along, I would have struggled with the feelings of adultery-hell, I felt guilty for even SPEAKING to Corey on platonic terms. But after all of this and what you did to me, I can't even see men as being capable of being anything else besides lying pieces of shit that only exist to procreate and hurt good women like me.
If it was the old Jaz, she would have felt bad for finding a connection so fast. She would have asked herself, "Am I a whore? Why did I do that? Especially knowing not just Craig, but Corey has feelings for me? Should I tell them what happened?"
..........But the old Jaz isn't here anymore Craig. I STILL don't feel bad for what I did, I don't feel like I've moved on too fast, and I don't feel like a whore. Which sucks, because I think that the old Jaz is the one that Corey has feelings for, not this girl, who is void of feeling anything besides bitterness that YOU, Craig, have infected me with.
You used to constantly tell me that the only reason why Corey and I weren't together was because he dumped me and that he didn't want to be with me. You know what, Craig? Corey was the one who pursued the relationship and Corey stayed supportive of OUR relationship REGARDLESS of him seeing that I was unhappy with you. He WANTED me to be happy with you, Craig. He was HAPPY for us when he thought that I was HAPPY. You know why he felt that way? I'll tell you: Because Corey loves me.
Weird, huh? I've never slept with this guy, never been in a real relationship with him, and he loves me. You know what I do when he tells me that, Craig? I shrug it off in his face and then inwardly laugh at him. Because how could somebody love me after all the shit I put him through. Because how could he love me when he doesn't even know me?
And you know what the worst thing is, Craig, worse than being numb and dull to the constant affection of someone so sweet? It's knowing that somewhere down the line, the shadow of the girl I used to be is going to hurt that wonderful man.
Between you, Craig, and between Corey... I had someone else... and felt nothing, because it was just a physical connection that was never going to be explored again. And I could do it again... I could cheat on Corey right now and feel no guilt for being with someone else. It's just sex. The only reason why I won't is because I don't give a damn to find another person to sleep with. And it's really sad that that my laziness is keeping me from cheating more than my consideration to Corey's feelings.
What the hell have you done to me?
Maybe it is better for me to be alone. I've spent so much time lamenting on Craig and thinking of ways to make him happy that I ultimately forgot how to make myself happy. I relied on him too much to say the right things... which, 99% of the time, he didn't. I suppose it was my fault for placing such a burden on someone else. No one really needs Although... I've never met anyone that made me feel WORSE after coming to them for comfort.
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I admit that I am emotional. I tear up when I see homeless people. I choke when the people visibly hurting. I think about the things I've gone through and cry. I have such a bleeding heart and I've admitted to myself many times that I wish I could stop caring, but it is not in my nature to.
Right now Craig won't stop texting me and all I can say to him is "Sorry". I am done defending myself when all he does is continue to put me down. All I can do is accept his opinions and let everything go with grace. I am not the bad guy here. His reason for breaking things off was that "I was never happy". Tell me how much sense does that make? If he was unhappy I would constantly find ways to make him happy. I would search forever and walk forever and journey through worlds to make him smile, to make him laugh. But he cannot do the same for me. I know this. And yet it still hurts.
He needs to stop toying with my mind.
There comes a point when you got to just admit defeat. That's just a part of being human. You have to lose. You have to, once in a while, or you forget what joy is like when things are going right.
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I've come to the realization that I hold too many insecurities to be happy with Craig. I can't let her go. I can't do it. I don't think I will be able to until this divorce finally pushes through and he can finally be able to tell her that his heart belongs to someone else.
I know that he loves me. Right? He says it every day. Right? It should be true. Right?
So why can't I believe it? Why is it so hard for me to accept that he loves me? I'm the happiest I am in the world when he's around and it goes to shit in .5 seconds because I get these thoughts that he doesn't want me. That I'm just a mend to his heart from a failed marriage. That that's the only reason why I'm around, to get his mind off of her.
I know it's stupid. I shouldn't think this way. If he wanted her he would have gone back to her. I know this. He has a chance to go back to her. As much as she betrayed him, she wants him back. I don't get it. Never did, never will. I admit that I have had my rough patches with Craig when all I wanted to do was move onto the next one; and believe me, I was real close a couple of times.
I could have done it. But I didn't. Even though those thoughts were in my head. You know what thoughts I'm talking about? The ones I can't shake off, even after all this time. The thoughts like...
As soon as I turn my head they'll end up in bed together
If he doesn't care about her anymore why keep all of her stupid gifts (kind of a slap in the face for me... if you wanna keep your ex's stuff, you don't need anything I give you huh?)
He doesn't care about me as much as I do him
He never pushed for me to come home with him because... because all I am is another girlfriend to him. To his family, I'm just another girl. Might as well prep for the one next Christmas.
what's wrong with me? :/
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Can I just say it’s been kicking my ass for the past year?
I guess I should rewind.
Around this time last year, I had just gotten out of a two month relationship. Although it wasn’t long, it had definitely had an effect on me. The individual responsible for the next couple months of grief was none other than Cody Minnig, the ginger, who I cannot believe ‘til this day, used to cause me so much confusion. The irony in meeting him was that he had the same dorm room as a man who I had a two year relationship with.
Cody caused me to question myself a lot. Why was he always talking to other girls? I know I didn’t have much to offer but when I am with someone my entire being belongs to them. He always made me wonder if that was enough. I realized that it wasn’t. Nothing could ever satisfy him because he thought that he deserved it all. More than me. More than what I could give. He thought that he deserved every other girl in the world. It was ironic that no other girl in the world wanted him but me.
You ever had those crushes in high school that never amounted to anything? You would just admire from far away and imagine about how nice it would be if you two were together? I gotta confess, I wasn’t much in high school, so I never had a crush evolve into anything else besides that. It’s weird now, to think that I spent years yearning after one person who never liked me back. Nowadays, if I want someone, I don’t spend my days pining after said individual, I go in and attack.
Well, for the most part anyways. It wasn’t the case for Mr. Denny. Brad. I would always see him down in AMXS and around base. Despite his extremely skinny stature I thought he was the cutest thing in the world. No words could express how ecstatic I was when he started talking to me after months of eye-raping him. What contributed even more to my blinded happiness was the despair that surfaced in my life around that same period of time. My aunt had died. My cousin followed shortly thereafter. Then, my grandpa. My dad had also left the family. Let’s not forget how I was still struggling to overcome the feelings of inadequacy Cody had left me. Quite frankly, I was hurting for something good in my life to come along, and the moment it did, I grabbed on tight.
The irony in dealing with Brad was that he was probably the worst person to let into my life while I was fighting to stay sane. He made me happier than Cody ever did. But he also hurt me worse than Cody ever did.
My downward spiral didn’t stop when I slept with Dusty. It worsened. I thought that I was more than just a piece of ass. He proved me wrong when he acted like nothing ever happened. In fact, a week later, he had slept with Colleen and had already forgotten all about it.
Corey. From the get-go I knew that I would regret talking to him. He was younger. Ironically, he was also a red-head with too much of a similar name to Cody. Also ironic was how around the same time Dusty and Colleen had gotten together he was sleeping with her as well. Can I just quickly say how the dorms are one giant incestpool? Seriously. Anyways, I naturally had my reservations about him. Cody, Brad, and Dusty had already killed what little faith I had in men. Despite all of that, we got along fine although we were so dissimilar. Honestly, he was the one that changed my mind about relationships. He made me realize that not all men were the same. He didn’t want to get me into bed. He didn’t force anything. It was ironic that the youngest out of all the men that I have talked to, the one that I had the most reservations about, was the one who brought me back up.
Although Corey did not hold onto my heart, my eyes were open once more. That is why when Craig came into my life, I did not turn him away. My old self would have pushed him away as soon as I found out he was still married to his cheating wife (though the legal complications kept them from separating). He was so different from Corey, it was ironic. Where Corey had innocence, Craig had experience. Where Corey was shy, Craig was brutally honest. Where Corey seemed ignorant, Craig’s perception had exceeded my expectations. Even their body stature was different. Corey was a big, buff guy, who could lift me up with one hand. Craig probably weighed as much as I did. It was ironic how different they were.
Although I was welcome to seeing another man into my life, the situation was difficult to digest. With Craig’s wife deployed, and his suspicious phone activity, it was reminiscent of my time with Roy. The best way to describe his (Roy’s, not Craig’s) actions were “trifling”. A couple of months passed and the entirety of the time I thought of ways to leave. I did not want him and it was obvious he did not want me. Honestly, we both used each other. But what separated us was his wants, his needs. I was perfectly fine with seeing him just for-well, you know-but Craig? He started to ask me to come over more often, he started asking me to sleep over, and for some reason, although I told myself I didn’t care, I made the mistake of feeling good because he wanted me around.
I made the mistake of feeling more than what was initially, nothing more than a physical attraction. I started checking my phone for his texts more often and I started caring when his phone constantly went off. Thoughts like “who the f*ck is this b*tch texting him now?” started to flood my mind and I felt the anger crushing in my chest. I would get so mad that it would hurt to breathe. The night we dropped off his car was the night I realized I had gone too far.
It was too late to turn back. But it didn’t stop me from trying to run. I can’t even remember the last time I was so scared to develop feelings for someone. I kept myself from trying to get close to him by distancing myself, by leaving him, by distracting myself with other boys. No, I did not sleep with anyone else nor did I even make a physical connection, I just continued my partying and kept others in my mind as back up plans in case Craig and I ever fell out.
Needless to say, we had many falling outs. I’ve left every time. And I never went to my back up plans, because I cared about Craig too much to f*ck it up. I never realized that then, but I do now. It’s ironic, how much I wanted to hate him, because now I care about him more than I have anyone since I was with Vinnie. I used to think that I would never fall this hard for someone that wasn’t Vinnie. They aren’t even remotely similar. The only quality that they both share is their brown hair and amazing blue eyes. And although he isn’t Vinnie, and he will never be Vinnie, I don’t care. I’m glad they are so different. Vinnie will always have a place in my heart. But all he is to me now… is a memory. He no longer means the world to me… he no longer affects me the way he used to… I no longer love him… because I think I love Craig.
( unfinished blog about my alcoholismCollapse )
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That's it. I'm done.
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The spark, it's gone.
The feelings, they're fading
Do you get it?
You've left nothing persuading.
The times I've cried
You've never even tried...
I trust you....
I want you.....
But you're not what I need
I'm not what you need
I'm not what you want
You want a restart
You need a restart
I thought I saw something more
It's nothing more
I want to help you
You're my friend
Just be my friend
I'm here for you
I care for you
but my heart's not willing
To love, to hurt, to feel
for someone like you
I can't pick up the pieces of your broken heart.
It's hard enough to salvage what's left of mine.
I thought no sleep was better than having nightmares bombard me the entire night.
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I was wrong.
Apparently, my conscious mind is much more sinister than my subconscious. Instead of being left scared and trembling I'm left seething and wanting to strangle someone for something they don't even know they're doing.
Yes, I'm talking about Craig. Yes, I know I have the most roller-fucking-coaster feelings about that man. I still don't know what to think. There are days when I honestly feel like I can fall in love with him. Seriously. He makes me that happy. Then there are days I want him to die. He has to be one of the most perceptive, yet ignorant people on this planet. How can someone know something is wrong every time I'm in a bad mood and not be able to tell why? It sort of renders his sixth sense useless, you know.
One of these days I'd just like to grab him and shake some sense into him. "Of course it's about you, moron!" I want to say. I do so many things for him and yet I'm left in the dust. There is no point of me coming over early because he's too preoccupied in his own doings. Yes, he looks at me once in a while and says hi. Yes, he sneaks kisses in sometimes. But am I ever the focus? No. I feel like half the time I come over I'm just a couch aesthetic. I sit there, look pretty (on days I care to), get up, then go to sleep. I rarely come over before 8 nowadays because I don't do much except watch him alternate between his computer, his phone, his computer, his phone, maybe a show on Netflix, his phone, and oh yeah-his phone.
I get heated every time I see this girl named Allison's name pop up on his screen because he quickly texts a reply and shuts off the screen. Who the fuck is she and why is he constantly talking to her? I guess I'm so annoyed because I don't understand how people can carry on conversations through texts. It's such a hassle to me. It also doesn't help that I've seen some shady shit on his phone that I can't shake off. "You like that I suck like a hoover"? "Nothing is better than your dick and tongue"? Someone else calling him baby?! What in the flying fuck?! I'm getting so fucking mad just thinking about it.
Of course I could be a complete bitch and sleep with someone else to prove a point. But what point am I even proving? There is no point. I just want to hurt him and show him that I could be sneaky too. But no. I'm not like that. I never was and I never will be. Even if I had the permission to. I couldn't do it. I know for a fact I couldn't do it because the opportunity came up once before. I asked Vinnie if I could sleep with someone else. One fucking stupid ass drunk question. He said okay, as long as he got to do the same. So we had consent from each other to cheat. I never pulled through. I didn't even have someone to sleep with! I don't know what the hell I was thinking. But you know what? He did it. He slept with someone else. He did it and then lied. So there I was, left alone, hurt, and angry because he made the mistake I couldn't.
But this doesn't explain a damn thing. Why am I so mad? Why am I SO fucking distrusting of men? It went downhill ever since I dated Cody. That dumb ass. I poured my heart and soul into making him happy and didn't realize how much he was using me to further his own ego. Then we had Brad. Of course, the sweet, kind, funny, and caring little douche of a deceptive fucktart. Pulled the rug right under me he did. Good one, Brad. Last but not least, we had Dusty. Ever so the womanizer. He was just a mistake. God, the boy wasn't even remotely pleasant to share a bed with. Not to mention he fucked some UCM skank (no really, she was at the dorms for 3 days and slept with 4 guys) and was publicly called out for it like a week later? Classy, Dusty. Classy.
I decided it was time to stop putting myself out there and wait for a real man to come along. Maybe it would be worth it. I got Craig. Confusing, OCD, frustrating, Craig. Fate must have thought it was playing a real funny joke on me when it gave me everything that I don't want in a man. Someone married. Someone who wants nothing more to do with this place than I do. Someone so eager to leave this place and leave me. Someone so selfish.
He is selfish. He really is. At least he appreciates me when I'm blatantly putting myself out there for him. But I don't think he notices the small things I do for him. The fact I always bring him things to cheer him up... I always bring him things even when he's not in a bad mood, just so I can make him happy. I tag along with things that he wants to do so that he could do things on his own agenda. I sacrifice my friends because he never wants to hang out in groups for fear of... whatever, or because he doesn't like someone that I know. It's tiring. It's annoying. It's frustrating. I feel bad about leaving him behind when I do things on my own... but why? Why should I feel bad? He does his own shit the majority of the time anyways.
But I feel like if one of us doesn't sacrifice our time, we would never fucking see each other. Maybe that's what we need. I just need to seriously, seriously just focus on myself instead of appeasing him, because it's really wearing me down. His constant grumpiness. His pessimistic nature. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around him. One wrong answer and we're done for the night. It shouldn't be that way. I'm a happy ass person and if you treat me right I will treat you just as well. It's that simple.
And yet, his spoiled self doesn't get it. It's so. Damn. Annoying. Because as soon as I get the guts to leave and move on he does something to indicate that he actually...cares? The thought of me going back and forth like a fucking yo-yo is enough to make me want to go in there right now (it's almost 3 in the fucking morning and I'm still awake, ranting!) and slap some sense into him. I want scream "Stop hurting me, asshole! Appreciate me, damn you!" Perhaps that is asking too much of him. I need a break. It's time to go.
I find it ironic how I went from having no dreams at all to having nightmares I can't remember. The nightmares scream at me to stay in their hellish world even as I wake up. It seems like forever until I escape. In between my subconscious and conscious place, I try to remember these dreams, only to be left unable to grasp onto those fleeting visuals and scared for reasons I will never know.
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Last night I woke up twice to someone very familiar, very close, who made sure I knew I was no longer in that false reality. I wasn't sure what kind of sounds I was making, but it wasn't the usual sleepy mumbles. Apparently it sounded frightened. I was frightened. I don't know why. I can't remember what was going on in my head.
All I knew was he pulled me from that hellish world. I woke up to him. "Babe. Jaz. Wake up. Jaz, wake up." Those words brought me back. His presence was good enough to comfort me, and even though I was still trembling, still scared, all I remember was him and that warm feeling, knowing that he was there.
When I went back to sleep I had another nightmare. Why was I so discomforted that I had to go through it twice? I don't know. But Craig brought me out again. I don't remember much of the conversation but he said he was worried about me. That he periodically checked on me. He pulled me close and said, "No more bad dreams. I'm here."
Instead of thanking him I said I was sorry for worrying him. I don't know why I constantly do that. He continuously tells me to not apologize but I can't help myself. I don't want to burden anyone with my mental problems. Yet he's always there. He's frustrated, I can see, but he's there. He's always there. Something tells me he will always be there, as tired as he gets of my relationship ineptitude.
I'm tired too, you know. But at least, I can go to sleep knowing that he'll be there to pull me out from hell. And for that I thank him. I thank him every day. I only hope one day I'll have the guts to tell him that in person. God, I'm such a coward.
A loud thud pulled me out from the confines of happy sleep time. I opened one eye to catch a glimpse of the clock. 1230. Who the hell could you be having a conversation with that at this time that required your stern “I don’t give a f*ck” voice? I silenced my breathing and listened.
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“If you cared you shouldn’t have done what you did…” was the only thing that I caught. Immediately I knew who you were talking to and what about. My stomach turned. I thought about what to do, and knowing how you and I both are I SHOULD have kept my sleepy ass in bed. Instead, like the stupid caring person I am, I got up to see if you were okay.
I walked out of the room, making no attempt to hide the fact I was awake and alert. OK, somewhat alert, I just woke up after all. I stood there a good distance away from you, trying to figure out what kind of expression was on your face. I couldn’t tell. It didn’t help I’m blind as shit when I don’t have my glasses or contacts in. I waited for a second for you to say something else to her but instead you went silent. So, I went to the bathroom.
Honestly, I can’t remember what was going through my mind as I pee’d. It was probably something along the lines of, “Why did you stop talking to her as soon as you knew I was conscious?” or “Man, I don’t know if I should just brush my teeth and go to bed” or “I’m thirsty”. I have come to the conclusion that it was the last thought because as soon I was done doing my business I went to the kitchen and got some water.
I think you were still mumbling something to her when I was drinking. I don’t remember. After I chugged down my water I walked to you and kneeled down, extending my arms to bring you into a hug. I wanted to comfort you, to let you know I was here. All I wanted was the truth. So when I asked you if you were okay and you said “Yeah, she just knows how to push my buttons.” I couldn’t help but be disappointed because I knew it wasn’t the entire truth.
Because of that answer, I went back to bed. Yes, I probably should have stuck around and forced the real answers out of you but why should I? You were always the type to just tell me what was on your mind anyways, even if I didn’t want to know.
So I didn’t acknowledge you when you finally came to bed. You didn’t acknowledge me trying to help you out. You just sat there angrily and didn’t hug me back. I made it a point not to move closer to you. Why should I? You could come to me when you were ready. Instead of doing that, you got angry. I forgot what the exact words were but it was something along the lines of “I had to f*cking force information out of you for the past 2 months but I guess you can’t even spare me 5 minutes huh?” Woah, now. Where did that come from?
I knew that you were saying these things out of anger, but my defenses were already up. I rebutted with “If you want to talk about it you’ll talk about it…” and you said something stupid, to which I replied “whatever”, and you came up with “Whatever?! What the f*ck is whatever?! You know what, don’t f*cking talk to me if you’re going to act like that because I don’t deserve it!”
Dear god, I felt like I was talking to a 5 year old. There you go again with your tantrums if I didn’t respond the way you wanted to. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. I wasn’t even angry at this point anymore, I was annoyed. Yes, I got up and I left. Again. What did you want me to do? You told me not to “f*cking talk to you” so I got up and I went into the living room. I could have been a total bitch and just drove back home, but the only reason why I didn’t was because I was way too tired. I wasn’t even angry enough to have the adrenaline pumping and the energy to leave. I was just too exhausted, physically and mentally.
It’s the same shit over and over again. I can’t stand it. I sat there and thought about the best way to break the news to you. Should I just go in there, wake you up, and say “it’s over”? Should I start off with something nice like “I really like you, Craig…you’re an awesome person” and then transition to a heartbreaking “but I can’t do this anymore”? Should I just leave? I didn’t know what to do. After a while I realized that there was no point in trying to break things off, I was going to stay anyways. So there I went… again, going back into bed for the millionth time that night.
I think I will never have the nerve to walk away. I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to be alone. What will it take for us to just say it’s over? Will you please just realize we are both unhappy and end things for me? I know I can’t do it.
I thought that I was a lot stronger than this.
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All of this time that I've spent with him has only made me see one thing: That I WANT a real relationship. I want to be able to hold hands with him in public and gloat about him to my family, I want us to be able to be comfortable and happy in each other's silence, and as stupid as this sounds, I want to be able to change my relationship status on facebook just so that everyone can see that I finally have someone worth mentioning.
I don't want to be hiding because he will get in trouble if words get out. I don't want to be worrying about his WIFE (not his EX-wife, but his WIFE WIFE)... I don't want to be the HAPPIEST I've been in a long time knowing that it's going to be gone in six months, the months he continues to rub in my face.
I thought that I could bypass all these insecurities and satiate in his company in the meantime, even though I knew it was going to be short lived. I thought that I could trust him with my emotions and tell him what was on my mind. I was wrong. I can't do any of these things. I will always have the insecurity that he will go back to his wife, because to me marriage is FOREVER and a husband and wife are supposed to be able to tough it out through the toughest trials. I will always have the insecurity knowing that he is going to LEAVE me just like the rest of them did, but at least this one gave me a warning. I will always have the insecurity knowing that I cannot have a normal relationship with this man because of all the shit that is going on with him and all the shit going on with me. I will always have the insecurity of trusting ANYONE, ESPECIALLY not men because in the end all they do is hurt you.
What do I do? It hurts, it really does, but I don't even have the guts to tell him that....
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I kinda like him.
How different I was back then. I always thought that I was mature for my age, so being madly in love at the age of 19 wasn't weird. After all, people got married younger nowadays, don't they? That's not the point though.
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I finally got back into my hecka_tight Yahoo email to send Craig an old file, and when I went into my sentbox I was surprised to see some emails from 2009... when Vinnie and I were together (for the first time). For nostalgic reasons I went back and read some of the emails, and surprised myself when I saw how...corny I was. And no, not just the "I wuv u booboo" corny, it was the "I'm head over heels for you!! Forever in our cotton candy skies and cream filled dandelion fields!!" corny. I actually blushed reading some of those lines.
For a second there I wondered if that was me writing those e-mails or if it was a 14 year old high school cheerleader writing to her quarterback boyfriend. Right after they both won homecoming queen and king. It made me sick. Writing "I love you boo" in beach sand? Taking pictures of me kissing a stuffed panda? Ending EVERY. SINGLE. THING. In "LOVE LOVE LOVE <3"? Dude. No. I couldn't believe that that was me.
I was so... lame. So gullible. So dumb.
Yet on the flip side of things... I was so... in love. So enthralled. So happy.
I haven't had that feeling since. Sure there were times when a boy made me happy. There were plenty of times when a boy made me happy. Like, Chuck for example. I can't say anything bad about him. Roy made me happy too. I had the middle school crush feeling when I was around him. Cody also made me happy for a second...I think. Brad definitely gave me butterflies. Corey's sweet nature got me bad (man I wanted to rip his innocence away from him). Craig's unconventional personality is somewhat discomforting, but intriguing at the same time.
I can safely say they've all given me that gushy feeling. I loved their company. But was it ever the same as it was when I was in love? No. I can't hold onto a man long enough for it to even bloom into possibility. I'm not even sure if I want to be like that again. I was so blinded by my emotions that I didn't think logically. I never realized how naive I was being.
But on the other side of things, it was nice seeing how I was that happy at one point in my life, even if it was short-lived. Maybe I kept those emails for a reason.
Do I ask to be put in these awkward situations? I guess that's one way you can look at it, 'cause in all fairness, I could have stopped this a long time ago. Then again, people are always telling me that if you're single, you should keep your options open. That's exactly what I did, and both of them know it, but they don't know the extent of it. But am I going to put myself out there like a little hussy? Naw, don't think so. Besides, I am only "seeing" one person right now, and that is Craig. Corey just has this little crush on me (OK, major crush) but he hasn't tried anything yet. I kinda wish he would, little f*cker. He has the most self restraint I've ever seen in a man, seriously. Anyways, that's not the point.
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The point is I'm a disgusting person. Lol. Seeeeeeeeeeeeriously. Am I wrong to be hiding it from these two? I mean...I know I sound like a horrible person to try and justify my scandalous behavior but ugh! I don't really have much choice here. I got Corey who still won't own up to anything unless he's drunk and then I got Craig, who reminds me of a teenage girl that needs constant reminder that he's pretty. Are you kidding me? Corey is still not of age to go out, he's still scared of women... and let's just face it, he's a horrible kisser LOL. Craig is... experienced, of course, so he knows a little (cough..LOT) more about how girls work but his reality is that he gets way. Too. Attached. Way too fast. Last but not least, I can tell how hung up he is over his ex's and the biggest shit kicker is...technically, the guy is still MARRIED.
Why does it matter though? Roy was married too. Hah, well, IS still married, technically. Did that stop me? No. Did I care? No. But Roy was and always will be a womanizer and I just wanted to be wanted, even if it was for one night. So we both used each other, what else was new. Craig is not like Roy though, in the sense that I'm sure he wouldn't do half the things Roy did to me. In all honestly I can say that I can see him being faithful as he is a lot more mature than that certain blonde boy, but what is the point if he's getting out of the military in 8 months? Let's also factor in my deployment in December and the chances of a relationship are zero to none. Now, Corey, at least I know he's staying, and I know he wants me to stay too. But I can't. I won't if I don't have to. If my cross-training or BOP gets approved then I refuse to stay here any longer. Guy or not. Friends or not. My life needs to progress, and I can't do it in Missouri, deciding between the lesser of two evils when it comes to guys.
I can never be left alone!
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Craig. Corey. Craig. Corey. Craig. Corey. Wtf, how did I end up in this situation?! On one side of the ring, we have the 190 lb Corey Lienemann, a 20 year old family-oriented ginger. He also pretty freaking fit, with a well-defined six pack and MUSCLES. EVERYWHERE. Oh, and he hates kissing, doesn't know how to handle older women (IE. Yours Truly), and is scared of commitment. Meanwhile, on the other side of the ring, we have the 150 lb Craig White, a 25 year old who's still not partied out, yet enjoys the classier side of life. He's also pretty freaking good with his um... body parts, as skinny as he is. Oh, and he's very analytical, perceptive (mostly accurate too, I have to be careful around this one), and is recently divorcing from a wife that he knew for 2 weeks before they got married.
How WEIRD. I go from the younger guy who probably knows nothing about women, anatomy or emotionally, to the older guy who probably knows more than he should. One of them has commitment issues, the other commits too fast. They have one solid thing in common: They both have had something with me, and neither of them know it. Eep! Hanging out with the both of them last night wasn't the smartest of choices, dear Jaz. Corey was as blind as ever (or was he...he probably knows more than he's letting out, slick bastard) and Craig saw way too much. This is going to be a tough one to break out of. It's no where near reminiscent of the situation between me, Roy, and Vinnie. Vinnie knew about Roy and he didn't care, he just wanted me back. Roy knew about Vinnie as well, but he was too busy messing around with other women to be mad at me. Now we have Craig and Corey, who don't mess with anyone else (as far as I know) and are completely in the dark about each other. I don't know. I kind of like them both. But I'm also not the same girl I was when I was 19. I've been there, done this situation before. Did I handle it as well as I could have? Naw. Will I handle it appropriately this time? Not sure. I ain't looking for a relationship. Seriously! But I don't want to hurt them, yet at the same time, I am a freaking woman and I have my needs! Augh!
I'm so frustrated. What the hell did I get myself into this time?
I realize that the majority of my entries relate to my love life in some way, but honestly, I can't find anything interesting enough to keep my attention long enough for me to write about.
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I read "My Horizontal Life" by Chelsea Handler the other day and it really made me realize how...normal I am. Like every single girl in the whole world (with very few exceptions) go through the same amount of BS that I do, if not more (or maybe less). Especially when it comes to boys... (or men, whatever)
It's funny to think how I went from an 18 year old who has never even held hands with a boy, much less kiss him, to the 21 year old who's already fed up with all of it. Well, for the most part anyway. I'm still open to flirting ;)
Somtimes the first boyfriend sneaks his way into my thoughts. Not very often, though. And if he does, it's only because he was my first. My first kiss, my first dates, first--yeah. I lost my virginity in the car with him, two months before I left for basic training. So romantic, right? Ha... I didn't even care. I never envisioned the first time as "the right time" or all that romance hooblah... I think I only did it because I didn't want to go into the world COMPLETELY innocent. A virgin girl in the military? The boys would be able to smell me from a mile away...well, as opposed to someone not so innocent, then they would smell you from half a mile. Anyways, that was that with him. In the end, he did smash my heart into a gajabillion pieces, so it served a pretty good basis for how the rest of the guys were going to be. But that's okay, because I gained "experience", not like ONE time with ONE person makes much difference--however, I was finally in the same league as many of the other 18 year olds out there.
I can't believe how I "met" my first (serious) boyfriend about 10 times before he could finally remember my name. He was drunk every time we "met" and I will never forget the "Rock on, chica's!" he yelled at me the first time he saw me own a guy at Guitar Hero. I will never forget how I fell in love with him because he cared so much. He was social and I was not, preferring to stay confined in the dorm room on the internet instead of hanging out with the older people who were drinking and having a good time. A year and a half of my life with him, and when I think about it, it feels like the entire thing was just one big dream filled with drama...and the more that I think about it, I realize he helped me out a lot. Kinda molded me into the girl I am when it comes to relationships today. Made me realize I could never be the perfect 50s housewife; obedient and serving, because I am not that type of woman deep down, and you can never change my core.
Cakes once told me, and I don't think this will escape my mind any time soon, that I have a fire inside me. A fire that even he was scared to touch, even if we are one of the best pair of friends you could find. When I mull on it, I remember a couple of my other friends have told me that men are scared of me. What are they scared of though? I'm 4'11", so it's not like I could beat them into the ground. Are they scared of me hurting them emotionally? I can tell you in all the relationships or attempted relationships I've been in, men have been the ones to hurt me. I don't know. I'll never understand how a man's mind works, just like he will never be able to understand a woman's.
It's natural. Everything I do, and everything that I've done...is natural. I don't know why I put myself down for having an active or even stale love life. It's like no matter what stage I am in my love life, I'm unhappy with it. I'd be talking to someone, and I wouldn't like it. I'd be single, and I wouldn't like it. In actuality, right now I'm pretty happy with being alone. I've been alone for a while, and it doesn't bother me as much as I always thought it would. I just try to surround myself with as many friends as I can. It feels better this way and it feels right. Plus, it's a lot more fun this way. I want to be able to be a little bit more open with my sexuality, and not be afraid of how people look at me. :)
Not much has changed since I last updated... The weekend was alright. I got the majority of my stuff out of my room and into my apartment/car. Never realized how much of a pack rat I was/am until now. I got rid of hella stuff. HELLA. It's going to suck when I have to sort everything out later. I'm getting a headache just thinking about it. -.- As far as the place goes, I don't think I'll be renewing the lease come summer time. The place is way too small for all of my things and I don't think I can handle being in Warrensburg with all them college kids...I can already tell California Jaz is going to come out and fight someone.
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As I type this, I just finished outprocessing the dorms. Not sure how I feel about it still. I almost teared up when I was cleaning the room just because I've been through so much in Atlantis... especially boys. Phew!
Vinnie, my first love, my first heartbreak.
Roy, the "rebound", who I fell for much harder than I should have...the boy still and will always hold a piece of my heart. And I'll never understand why.
Cody... don't know what the f*ck I was thinking there. LoL.
Brad, the sweet one....or so I thought. Deceptive little trucker he is. I honestly thought I found an angel in disguise when I met him. If he doesn't make the Air Force a career he should get into acting; the boy is pretty damn good at being someone he's not.
Dusty, the one and ONLY one nighter I've had. Can't believe I stooped that low knowing the type of guy that he is. Whatever...
Finally... Corey. I'm not sure if he's even worth mentioning. We were never "together". Still, I can't help but think of him every once in a while. It's weird.
Jeez... five (technically four) guys in a 2 and 1/2 year span. That's cray-zeee. Boy... so many things happened in this dorm, I can't even cover it all. It's about time to start fresh.
I guess it gets a little easier, day by day.
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The only way I can handle it is by not feeling. I can see it, I can think about it, but I just need to stop myself from feeling it. I'm getting there. Or at least, trying to. I knew for a while what kind of person that I am. Someone just as manipulative as she is emotional. It makes no sense. Though I suppose if I wasn't emotional about it then I'd be somewhat of a sociopath.
I'm not sure if I hang out with Francisco because he is one of Corey's best friend or if it's because I actually enjoy hanging out with him. It's a little bit of both. Still not too sure what my real motives are.
I'm not sure if I only see Roy as someone to fill in the gap of loneliness or if some feelings still linger from before. I do like being around him. But a part of me still wants him to suffer.
I'm not sure what I think of Corey at all. For someone so nice, he's sure shady as hell.
I'm just not sure of a lot of things lately.
I'm a little confused...
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More than a little confused...
I said I didn't care, and I don't, at least I think I don't-but I think I do, and I shouldn't, I never should have, I'm trying not to...
I don't know whether to be angry at my dad, I don't know why I take it out on my mom, I don't know how Roy manages to sneak into my thoughts, and I don't know when to stop when I talk to Corey
I shouldn't be angry at my dad for all that he did and for all that he does. He's still my dad. He still cares about us, right? Even if he is completely selfish. He's still my dad. Even if he left my mom. My brother. My sister. Even if he's chasing this dream that is so far away, so unrealistic, that he would sacrifice everything that he's built in the U.S...he's still my dad. And yet, yet I can't help but be mad yet care about him and hope that he someday finds his happiness because that's all that really matters. I hope my mom finds it along with him.
I don't know why I think about Roy with everything that he has done to me. He's used me, so many times, and my dumb 19 year old self let him. I let him continue to come back to me no matter who and how many he slept with with. I let him deceive me repeatedly. I let him convince me that he really does care and want me in his life. I allowed him to use me and I tolerated his lies. But that's all in the past. It doesn't even hurt when I think about it. It doesn't hurt now. But then why does he sneak into my mind? Why do I find myself wondering what he's doing and if he's thinking about me too? Maybe it's those unresolved questions... maybe it's because I never got peace of mind from him. I never did figure out how he managed to lie so well before. He never answered why he continuously came back to me even with other women at his disposal. I mean...it's not like he's tried to justify his actions before. I could just never accept his words. Which is unfortunate... because now that I think about it, I don't think I'll ever find my inner peace when it comes to Roy...because...even if he answered all my questions in all honesty, I doubt I will believe anything he says.
Corey...Corey, Corey, Corey. I so wish...it never happened. I so wish I had no knowledge of his existence. He's such a sweetheart, and it kills me. I know I said earlier that I didn't feel bad about what happened over the weekend.... I still don't... I don't think I will ever feel bad. I just don't know... how to approach the situation anymore. I really need to just stop talking to him altogether. Really. It'll be easier that way. I doubt I'll stop. I like him way too much...which makes me realize; I need to find another person to focus my attention on... someone that's not detrimental to my mental health. Sheesh.
I have been thinking...again... a lot, about what happened over this weekend. To recap.
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I hung out with Gonzo, Janelle, and Britney. We went to Hooe's house after Jordan invited us for bbq. The asparagus was pretty freaking tasty. After that we went to UCM for the airman night out thing. It was actually a really good turn out. I rock climbed even though I felt like poop. Made it all the way to the top too. wootwo0t. Played some volleyball with this super cereal UCM chick and hella Indian people rofl. Got into a fat suit and pretended to be a sumo wrestler. It actually...wasn't that bad, I had fun anyways. After all that we headed out to Pine.
This is where it starts to get...uh, weird. So Jordan wandered over too and although Pine was dead at first it started to pick up by the end of the night. So, the entire night Jordan would NOT. LEAVE. JANELLE. ALONE. I was getting heated cause I came up to him a couple of times and told him to back off but he just kept saying they weren't doing anything but dancing. Fair 'nuff...they weren't doing anything but dancing...at that time. Buuuut I won't get into that. On the way to Johnny's this random girl said I had an awesome rack. It gave Walker and I quite the laugh. Also on the way to Johnny's some random drunk guy wanted to yell at us and say hi....well, it turns out the random drunk guy was Roy.
It kinda caught me off guard yeah, but I still played nice. A little too nice apparently because he thought it was okay to try and kiss me the entire night. Lmao. Not gonna lie I thought it was pretty amusing. Even Walker and Gonzo noticed it. I can't believe how...uh, natural it was for us to talk again, like we were both 19 again. Sheesh, those were some effed up times.
After Pine Janelle, Gonzo, and Britney headed out to Jordan's place. So glad he lives like 2 minutes away from Pine because I'm pretty sure he was torn when he drove. I got a ride back with the other CE guys (Roy and some guys from his shop). He was texting me the entire ride back and asking why we couldn't hang out that night. O.o, um, cause you drunk? And I was drunk? And I wasn't about to have a drunk argument witcho ass?
Anyway... to sum things up it was an eventful night. I finally crawled into my bed around 3 and passed out.
Woke up pretty late (2PM). Was feeling kinda hungry. Missed 5 texts from Roy. Thought huh, maybe he does wanna hang out with me sober after all. We drove a way's away to go to Lee's Summit to eat at the Olive Garden. It was a good meal. I put vinegar on my breadsticks. OH YES. It was tasty. The food itself was ehhh. I preferred the breadsticks and salad though. We were gonna go to best buy and get some electronic stuff but Roy got recalled into work, so we had to drive back. Sooo dumb.
I ended up in the dayroom with Ace and Maurice trying to figure out what movie to watch. We never ended up watching a movie. Ace asked about what happened between Cody and I. He then said... "I always wondered about that. Cause he's butt ugly." Lmfao! What can I say, I really DO go for personality. Peope don't seem to understand that. I can't say I have really thought much about Cody at all since... wow, last year. He's not worth thinking much about. There is one thing I can thank him for though and that is for introducing me to Peter, because I consider Peter one of my really good friends.
Well after Ace decided to ditch me for something I ended up back at Roy's place. Yep. We watched Wanted and...uh, Charlie's Angels. LOL. Anyways I ended up in bed with him. -____- Didn't see that one coming. /sarcasm. It's funny, because he uses the same lines he did when we were 19. I asked him why he was kissing me. He said "It felt right". Bitch plz! I'm not that naive. Those lines don't work anymore. ;) I did what I did because I wanted to, nothing more, nothing less. I don't like Roy. I think he's still cute, don't get me wrong, but do I have feelings for him? No. Do I even have a little crush on him? No. He's attractive and that's about it. And like I said before... I don't feel bad at all. I left that night and went back to my room.
Pretty productive day if I do say so myself. I got my lease signed (!!!) and attempted to find a car wash with Walker. LoL. We picked up Gonzo from the dorms and headed out to SIIIIKIIII. Met up with Britney, Kat, Andrea (I think that's her name), Boyd, and this Filipino (I think) dude. Tatiana invited herself to dinner by the way. Can we say AWKWARD. I know I felt it. There was one open seat next to her and I just picked up a chair and moved it to the end of the table so I wouldn't have to be by her. Ha. Walker ended up sitting in front of her though. So nasty. Don't know how he did it without gagging.
Gonzo, me, Walker, and Britney were like texting each other throughout the entire diner sh!t talking this woman. lmao. Every time I heard her voice I just wanted to slam my hands down on the table and go "STFU! NO ONE CURRZ" but I kept myself composed. I'll give her one thing though, she has some nerve showing up to all these events knowing that half the people there don't like her. Some. Nerve.
But anyways, I had my phone on me, and surprisingly I saw a message from...Corey. Weird. He usually didn't text out of the blue... so it just caught me off guard. Well after we ate Siki tradition called for a Chipotle run, so that's what we did. I ended up picking up a burrito for Corey. We drove back to Wburg and I drove Gonzo back to base.
When I got back to the dorms I went up to Corey's room since he said it was gonna be unlocked. Well...the boy was passed out. I was gonna sit down the burrito on his desk but he woke up, and half in a daze, had the most terrified look on his face ever, stared at the Chipotle bag and screamed "WHAT IS THAT?!" I swear that was the funniest thing I had seen all day so I was rollin. Like, gut hurting, rollin. Aside from it being funny it was terribly cute. Damn him. I ended up watching Superhero movie with the guy, cuddled up next to him. Not gonna lie...it did feel nice. After the movie we talked for a bit, like...like nothing ever happened. Then it was getting late so I got up to go. He kept trying to tickle me so I was like "FINE, you're not getting a HUG." So instead of not responding or not caring like he is supposed to... he goes "Can I have a hug PLEAASE.... or how about a kiss on the cheek?"
Hmmmmm......very interesting. I sat back down and gave him a hug, and instead of a kiss on the cheek, gave him one on the lips. He didn't ignore it..., he ended up latching onto my pants so I couldn't leave. Regardless...I did leave. I almost didn't want to. And all I could think about was that kiss. Even though we had plenty of them before...I couldn't help but think about that one. I still think about it. And I don't know why...because I know I'm still single. I know I won't sacrifice any potential happiness for him. Otherwise I wouldn't have done what I did with Roy, and then not feel bad about it. I still don't feel bad about it. It's just..crazy, because the old me would have felt bad.... I didn't change that much, did I?